Residential Harmony: An absurdist's guide to getting along with his roommates (Director's Cut)
With the greater part of the fall semester set before us in a hopeless, seemingly infinite abyss, it should come as no surprise that academic pursuits may fall by the wayside to other, more trivial concerns : “Who ate my yogurt parfait?!” “Your parrot won’t stop calling me a freshman!” “You’re on my side of the apartment!” “Where’s the blender! I need to make an appletini.” These are the various and unsettling cries that plague my apartment at all hours of the night, much to my distaste. Conflicts between roommates are more common than one would think; in fact, they seem to be the norm rather than the exception. There are, however, many ways to create a more harmonious living environment.
It’s important to establish certain boundaries. On the matter, ISU correspondent Matt Rapp said, “Borrowing some paper: okay. Borrowing a toothbrush: not okay.” But even more important than establishing boundaries is being able to manipulate them. Short on food? Your roommate’s bag of Fritos looks enticing. Stealing food from your roommate may be a moral qualm for some of you, but to others it is simply a matter of survival. I am reminded of something Sun Tzu wrote in The Art of War: “All warfare is based on deception.” Rest assured, we are all at war, my friends—the war of life, that is.
While deception may be appropriate in certain extenuating circumstances, honesty is usually the best policy. This is great news for communications majors, because this one time when their education will actually come in handy. An open line of communication is key here. Your roommates aren’t psychic (and if they are, get out now). College is a time when young people are just starting to really find their voice. Let yours be heard. Feel free to speak up when something is bothering you. Just a side note: if you suspect your roommate to be an illegal alien, do not hesitate to call la migra.
Are you worried that your roommate isn’t be warming up to you? Don’t be afraid to base a friendship off of mutual hatred. As the ancient Chinese proverb goes, “The enemy of my enemy is my friend.” If you both hate the Cubs, work with that. Fill the awkward silences by making fun of that weird guy who always stands by the escalators passing out flyers. Let him be your scapegoat. If you both share a collective disdain towards the dormers across the hall, make ridiculing them be the center piece of your conversation. Friendships based on hatred are oftentimes the most enriching of all.
I’ve heard tell of roommates writing agreements down on paper. Personally, I don’t like leaving a paper trail, but like the great political philosopher Thomas Hobbes said, life without social contracts is “solitary, poor, nasty, brutish, and short.” I actually prefer this to the dull alternative, but a roommate contract might be a good idea if you are living in the chaotic state of nature known as a dorm. When things go a rye (and they inevitably will), a contract between roommates provides a system of accountability. If you are confused, look to the Constitution for guidance. I recommend Article 3, Section3.
Consider a few general rules for you and your roommates to live by, and put them in the agreement. Sadly, this will never hold up in court, but at least you’ll have something to point to when your roommate decides to give up taking showers for lent. And because rules don’t enforce themselves, I suggest adding a few provisions pertaining to punishment. Did your roommate forget to take out the trash? Be creative. Take a cue from the middle ages and make him stand on a platform in the middle of the quad with a sign reading “LIAR” on his chest. Pass out tomatoes for people to throw at him. This is just one small step in the ongoing journey towards residential harmony.
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